My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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