my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
