Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
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