Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
