Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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