She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
