After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Dating After Heartbreak
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
But break dance skills will only take you so far
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...