So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.