I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.