Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.