so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
