hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
i came on her dog
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
