i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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