i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
