just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
