Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
