i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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