on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
