dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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