I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
