I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
