Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
