I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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