two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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