I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
