oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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