I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I fill condoms, not promises.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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