I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
