Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
