i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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