The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
