I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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