I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
