he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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