I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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