I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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