I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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