Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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