You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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