"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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