it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
