you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Randomize
