im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
