I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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