They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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