Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
