how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
