Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
