The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
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