Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
