Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
