Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
