I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
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I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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