I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
