I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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