people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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