At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
