Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
